I'm not the kind of person that likes to hide my emotions. That's why if you are my friend on Facebook, or following me either on Twitter or Instagram, you would see my frequent rants about life and about almost everything else.

I'm an introvert by nature, my high school friends know that very well. I came from an all-boys school, going into JC with hardly any interaction with my female counterpart. I was abit different from my peers, things have happened before and I was hurt. Even my closest friends didn't know what I went through, only the people involved did. But after all, I wanted to change, I didn't want to be different or discriminated.

Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive to feelings and emotions.

Like most 17 years old guys, I had my first EC (eye-candy) within the first few months in JC. I didn't know what to do, or how to approach her. I didn't know how to converse with her so that our conversation didn't sound awkward. And like most stories, my first EC/Crush ended up in heartbreak as I was subtly rejected.

Not long after, another girl caught my eye. It was that girl that you would always want to see when you are at your Econs Lecture to save you from falling asleep. It was that girl that you want to see so that she could literally brighten up your day. It was that typical story. Time past, and I slowly and stalkingly found about her. Her name, her class, her CCA... Things actually got off to a pretty good start. I manage to come up with an excuse to add her on Facebook. We started talking, and after awhile, we 'moved on' to the now defunct MSN messenger. I tried to talk, it was always one sided, but we had some similar interests and common topics here and there. It definitely felt better than my first experience. But it was still going no where. I never had the courage to talk to her in real life. And when I did, it was just plain awkward. I probably appeared as a joke or a crazy ass stalker. It didn't help by the fact that I was some ugly (still ugly) fat, obsessed boy at that point of time.

However at the same point of time, somewhere at the start of 2011, I got to know 'her'.

Little did I know that she would soon grow to be the one girl that I could really talk to. The one girl that I found worth investing so much time, effort and money on. The one girl that I would go heads over heels for.
The one girl why I would literally fight and die for.

We started off as Senior-Junior, we didn't have much interaction. The first impression I got was that she was just such a cute and good-looking, cool girl. I tried to get closer to her, which I did. But honestly, I never had the heart to chase her, cos it was still etched on my then-EC. I was still hopeful of my chances with the previous girl at that point of time and this girl would simply be my Plan B. Desperate? Yes.

Nevertheless, I felt that we still hit off as pretty cool friends.

After I graduated from JC, I still kept in contact her. Attempting to help her CIP Project, giving her GP notes, talking to each other... I was slowly but surely liking 'her' :) This girl was different. She's not as bitchy, whiney as most girls. She was cooler then that. She has that extra X-Factor.

A Level results hit me like a Wrecking Ball. And before I knew it, I had to enlist into army. She was that pillar of support for me at that point of time. Loner me didn't had many friends then. Plus coming from an all boys school for 10 years, having that kind of listening ear meant alot for me.

I started making my move.

It was different from my first two experience. I wasn't rejected, at least. We continued talking, tried going out . Once. Before reality hit me again. And I was being told the same old line we see on dramas/movies - lets just be friends. (something along that line). I was obviously saddened and annoyed. Things happened and we moved on, and (not surprisingly) talking again. Guys being guys, we will never give up something we want so easily.

Alot more things happened over the next 2 years.

I was rejected/friendzoned twice. We still went out countless number of times. We quarreled once in awhile. But still 'reconciled' at the end. I made her cry, she made me cry too. It felt like we were together.

I don't know what I did wrong or what I not do. I never knew whether she had any feelings for me anot.

She's overseas now. And it was no surprise that such a intelligent, pretty young lady like her has so much suitors. I wasn't the kind of person that like to lose (oh c'mon who does?). The introduction of competition really spurred me to 'up' my game. Even after she has left. I tried my best. I was pretty confident that she was touched by my efforts. I really thought I did. But I guess that wasn't enough.

Distance is really too much to overcome. Trying to court a girl over long distance is even harder. And it was probably a matter of time before she fall for someone else overseas.

The question in my mind was 'Did I really love her?' 'Or am I doing it for the sake of competition?' 'Or worse, was she just someone who I played with cos there's no other girls I could approach during NS?'

I thought through. And I really know what I felt.

I really do.

But what's best for us?

Such is life.